Rescued by the Credit Markets

To those of you who read my previous post: Don't worry - no stifling mortgage debt is in my near-term future. I talked with probably half a dozen mortgage brokers/bankers/planners over the last couple of days, and the conclusion was that it's pretty much impossible for them to underwrite someone who's planning to be unemployed, or even "self-employed". Nonetheless, these conversations were very enlightening and hopefully will be helpful when I am eventually (gainfully employed again and) really looking to purchase a home. The funny thing is, the most enlightening part of these conversations was that I heard a different answer from literally everyone that I spoke with. How about that? Really instills trust in the system.

Separately, I have spent the last few evenings poring through Doostang's Austin job listings, then quickly expanded my search to other geographies given the scarcity of postings for that city. I am casting a wider geographic net primarily for informational purposes, just to see what else is out there that sounds interesting, and what skills and professional experiences I should focus on acquiring. However, it is a little disturbing that, despite having sent out my resume to at least 35 companies, I haven't yet heard back from anyone. I could just be too impatient, or the job market could really be that tough out there. Or, I could be completely right about the irrelevance of the skill set I currently use in my current position, and that while it's going to be tough in the short- and medium-term to get traction with the transition, it may well result in the best turnout in the long-term. And besides, I'm not too tied up in knots about the prospect of not working next year, as I've already spent virtually all of this blog to date documenting my process of developing a downside-case scenario for next year.

Another helpful motivator to spend more time searching for greener pastures: A helpful lil' birdie recently gave me the heads up that I may well be a sitting duck at my current firm. Certain people appear to be waiting pounce on any mistakes or missteps that I may make, as they try to gather evidence to undermine my performance and capabilities. I liken it to a hypothetical scenario where a vengeful ex-lover tries to bring you down with slander because you've crushed his ego by breaking up with him first. Moving on...

On a more positive note, I'll leave off today with this following inspirational quote that a friend forwarded to me today:

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love that you love, well, that's just fabulous."

smart or crazy or both?

I think I'm going to go try and buy a house or condo in Austin! If I get a 2-3 bedroom, I can rent out the other room(s) and make money that way, even though my salary's probably going to be zip to scheissty. What do you think? Totally crazy?? To be honest, I *still* haven't visited Austin yet, but I will almost definitely make a quick trip in August just to wrap things up on that front.

So I had sort of been a rut for the last couple of weeks. I attributed this rut to the increasing pressure I've felt to line up something productive and profitable post-San Diego, but with a big problem being that my hands are tied for the next five months until I've wrapped up the current gig.

However, with this new home-search project, I feel very much rejuvenated. A prize to keep my eye on. I'm going from private equity to home equity, baby. And yes folks, she's still a geek.

On a separate front, the project to liberate myself from fear of commitment (i.e., Project Kitty-Momma) has been going pretty well. Unlike me (and my accidentally self-induced food poisoning episode this weekend), all systems are a go on the digestive front for the two kitten-fluffs. The dynamic duo certainly are prolific in their poo and pee :) In fact, as I was watching Skylar make his most recent exit from the kitty-loo just now, this little jingle spontaneously composed itself in my head:

"Straight from the litterbox, onto my bed,
That's what you're good at, poopy-head"

That's the update.

Oh yeah - and probably no more word bombs, as I think the GMAT will be enough for my graduate school application efforts this fall. Sorry to disappoint all of you fellow nerds out there :)

However, this means I am going to spend more time on my Mandarin and Spanish, so I just might drop y'all a treat now and then.

Make-up word-bombs

Wow, I'm really behind on the word-bombs. To make up for it, here are some of the recently-added favorites to my geek-speak cheat-sheet:

Jejune: Insubstantial; lacking in nutritive value

Peregrination: Traveling or wandering around

Senescence: Aging; the organic process of growing older and showing the effects of increased age

Obstreperous: Noisily and stubbornly defiant

Ascetic: Austere

And my most favorite of all:

Perspicacious: Acutely perceptive; having keen discernment

It almost slipped by...

...but caught it just in time. Happy two-month anniversary, sL! 176 days to go. Gotta keep truckin' and dancin' la vida loca.

New Contender: Honolulu

There's a new contender on the block, as the Austin concept is no longer going uncontested. Random, I know, but Honolulu has unexpectedly entered the running as a potential backdrop for the next chapter of my life. I'll get to work on the comp analysis between the key Merits/Risks of Austin vs Honolulu and report back shortly.

As a side note, yes, I have been somewhat distracted in the last few weeks. During that time, much of my attention was redirected toward surviving with a kitten in the house. Now that things seem to be on track in that front (knock on wood - I've yet to bring Kitten #2 home), I'll be spending more time pondering the meaning of life and delineating the various paths in my "Choose your own adventure" approach to life.

Eloquently put

I have been trying to finish reading Ahead of the Curve since last August, and this eloquent little piece by the author has re-inspired me to complete the effort. My favorite quote?

"I came to ignore what was most important to me: that I should be valued for what I produced, not for how many hours I spent in an office or how well I got along with a boss."

Cheers and happy reading.


Published on www.businessweek.com
Viewpoint June 30, 2009, 12:25PM EST
The Road from Business School, Less Traveled
A Harvard MBA who graduated without a job in 2006 finds it more a blessing than a curse

By Philip Delves Broughton

I've been reading lately about the plight of the MBA Class of 2009. Many are coming out of school with changed expectations and having to hustle to find work, any work, to pay off those loans and get their careers moving. The supposedly easy, lucrative jobs aren't there anymore, so they are being forced to make choices. What do they really want to spend their time on? What offers the best chance of making a buck? How do they discover their true value in the marketplace?

I know this is no fun, because I found myself in a very similar position in 2006, after graduating from Harvard Business School (Harvard Full-Time MBA Profile) with no job. What I'm about to say is not advice, because I'm in no position to give it. It's just an account of my own experience that may or may not resonate.

My problems when I graduated were not linked to the job market, which was still booming. Most in my year had several job offers. My problems were with myself and my own rather self-indulgent approach to a career. I coveted the financial rewards supposedly due an MBA, but couldn't face doing the work. I went through the mill of interviews with famous firms, but I was noncommittal, and it showed.

It's About What You Produce

I remember playing soccer and rugby as a boy and coaches saying the only way not to get hurt was to fully commit. To hurl yourself at an attacking winger's churning legs in a rugby tackle, to go hard for the soccer ball. If you flinched, you would get a knee in the eye or a boot in the face.

I got banged up in the business school marketplace by not committing.

And yet when I looked back to why I had gone in the first place, it wasn't to get a big job. It was to have control over my time and my financial destiny. But somehow, in the process of getting my MBA, I had become distracted. I started to want what everyone else wanted and began to hold my own deeper desires in contempt.

I came to ignore what was most important to me: that I should be valued for what I produced, not for how many hours I spent in an office or how well I got along with a boss.

I wanted to be rewarded for my uniqueness, not for my ability to conform.

But it's hard to hold onto that vision when you're under pressure, when everyone around you says that with your background and qualifications, you should be doing a certain kind of work, when you have bills to pay and friends and family who unwittingly burden you with their own expectations.

I remember the summer after graduation talking to a friend who had graduated from Yale's architecture school. I asked her, what do I do? She told me to go back to doing something I knew I was good at.

Beginnings of a Book

When she had come out of Yale, most of her peers had taken jobs with big, famous architectural firms. She knew she didn't want to do that, and flailed for a while. To make some cash, she went back to her old job, working for an interior designer, managing multimillion-dollar renovations. It had little to do with high-concept architecture. But it was hands-on, she was great at it, and she was well paid. It felt good, she said, to be reminded of her value. And after a few months, she had the confidence to start her own small architectural practice, which now earns her a living.

So I took her advice and went back to writing. I would take the subway every morning up to the Avery Art and Architecture Library at Columbia University, which offered free Wi-Fi and air conditioning, and contacted my old journalist friends. They were happy to throw me some work, a few hundred bucks here and there, enough to cover health insurance at least. And I began writing the proposal for a book about Harvard Business School, which became Ahead of the Curve.

I wrote quickly, because I needed to make some money. I hustled in a way I had never had to with a full-time job on a newspaper, which I'd had before.

The advantage I had in writing my book proposal was that I had stirred the interest of a literary agent. During the summer between my two years at HBS, I had spent three months writing a novel. It was an odd thing for an MBA student to do. I should have been doing an internship somewhere. But as I said, I wasn't committing. And I really wanted to write this novel. I had begun it while living in France and had a storage box full of notes and research. So finally, I took the time and did it. And when I'd finished it, I sent it out to a bunch of agents and publishers. And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

All said no, except one. Or rather the assistant of one, whose job it was to read these unsolicited submissions. She liked it and passed it to the agent, who finally e-mailed me months later, on a rainy Saturday afternoon, to say she was enjoying my book and that I should get in touch next time I was in New York. It was much more exciting for me than my second-year MBA job search.

I met the agent for lunch and she told me that first novels were impossible to sell and that if I ever had a nonfiction idea, I should get in touch.

A Strain on the Family

It was disappointing about the novel, but after graduation, I sent her my proposal for a book about getting my MBA. She liked it and set about selling it. Five months after leaving HBS, I had a publishing deal. Five months after that, I received the first installment of an advance.

In the meantime, I made a living writing, raising sponsorship money for a PBS documentary and consulting for an online news service.

It wasn't easy for my family. Even those closest to me wondered what I was doing, why I had walked past the rewards a Harvard MBA was supposed to offer.

But each time I made a dollar in this ramshackle, chaotic way, that was unique to me; I was excited in a way I never was when I received a monthly paycheck.

Each week that passed in which I managed to pay the bills was a triumph. Some weeks were better than others. But over time, I felt more confident about living a life like this, pursuing work I enjoyed, somehow making ends meet.

Insecurity and freedom are not that far from each other. Some days I felt the former so strongly I would start looking for salaried employment. Others, I felt the freedom and knew I wanted nothing else. There were days when I'd be in a library at 11 in the morning, writing or researching and feeling extraordinarily happy. Other days, I was worried sick about money and the future. Every day I didn't have a regular job was both a commitment to a freer life and a rejection of what most people regard as security.

It still feels that way, though with a little success, the whipsaw between the two becomes milder.

There was a professor at Harvard Business School called Joseph Lassiter who gave us some great advice on entrepreneurship. He said that it wasn't a choice of career, but a choice of life, and you needed to think about setting your whole life up to give yourself even a shot at succeeding.

Your professional life would be volatile, so put yourself in a place where your personal life would be stable. Don't move to San Francisco for the hell of it if you don't know anyone there. Go somewhere where you are trusted. Where you have friends and family to vouch for you. Where you'll have a sympathetic bank manager. Go home if you have to.

Explain what you are doing to the people who are most important to you. Tell them not just what you're doing, but why you're doing it. Why it's important to you to do this kind of work. Why you are ready to take these risks. Don't assume everyone will understand when you take a less conventional path.

You want the reward of fulfilling work, work which is expressive of who you are. Work that rewards your uniqueness, not your ability to conform. Explain this to yourself and to others. Write it down.

A Letter to Myself

Before I left my job as Paris correspondent for The Daily Telegraph to go to HBS, I wrote myself a letter explaining why I was making this decision. I did it because I knew there would be moments when I would question what I was doing. It was useful to have on paper the feelings and rationale that drove me to do what I did. I referred to it a lot.

The other thing, which sounds so obvious, is to do something you know about. An academic study of successful new ventures conducted in 2000 showed that 71% "replicated or modified an idea encountered through previous employment," 20% were "discovered serendipitously," and just 4% arose from the "systematic search for business opportunities." The same study found that 41% of these ventures had no business plan, 26% had a rudimentary plan, and 28% had a formal plan.

The lesson from this is that it's not the plan or the search for opportunity, the things most business schools teach, that leads to success.

It's an ability to improve on what you can do already and then execute.

Everyone knows what they're best at, but often they think it's of no value. I felt like that when I graduated from HBS, and I was wrong. It took a while to straighten myself out.

Whenever you take a risk in life, whether anticipated or not, the audience around you seems to be shouting two things. One half is screaming "don't." The other is shouting "live the dream," "do what you love." Neither is being very helpful.

Paralyzing fear and blind optimism aren't the only alternatives. There is a route through the middle that recognizes that with risk comes reward, that insecurity is uncomfortable—but then, so is going to the office on someone else's behalf. There's no universal answer here, just a personal route to navigating between these two feelings, which can only be found by setting sail in the first place.

Tragedy Is a Motivator

The trigger for taking this route is not always desirable. Not everyone who ends up an entrepreneur wanted to be one. Many found they had no choice. Perhaps they came out of an MBA program in 2009 without a job. Or they could not sleep at night working for someone else. Or they were desperate to succeed on a far greater scale than their peers. Motivations can be dark, but that's O.K.

What is important is that once the trigger has been pulled, what do you do?

It's a fact that people often wake up to the most significant facts about life at moments of tragedy. When a close friend, a sibling, or a parent dies, you suddenly realize that you want your own life to really count. You want to spend your time on your own terms, with the people you love, doing the work you enjoy. The greatest fear becomes the prospect of getting to the end and thinking, well, that was a waste.

For me, the tragedy occurred on September 11, 2001. I reported from Lower Manhattan that day and saw the towers fall from much too close. I remember looking up and seeing the bodies pinwheel through the air from the upper floors as people leapt to escape the heat. In the days that followed, I could not help selfishly thinking, what if that were me? What if everything were to end for me like that, without the slightest warning—would I be happy with the life I had led?

It may sound ludicrous to link my own journey through business school and back to writing to such a monumental event. But when I think about it, that was my trigger. The moment at which my motivations and ambitions changed for good. Letting them guide me has not always been easy. But it has been better than trying to deny them.

Philip Delves Broughton, the former Paris bureau chief for Britian's Daily Telegraph, graduated from Harvard Business School in 2006. His account of his time there, Ahead of the Curve: Two Years at Harvard Business School (Penguin Press, 2008), is out in paperback this week.

Green Austin!

Check it out: Austin made the Top 5 Greenest Cities on the Planet (to Visit) list.

Suddenly Free of Fear...

...fear of commitment, that is. Reporting live is one brand new kitty-momma. He is an absolutely adorable white/silver kitty with blue eyes (we'll see how his fur and eyes change color over time). After several hours of thinking about names, I've come up with Skylar (or skyLar): "learned one". Any thoughts / affirmations / objections?

And here's the visual:

Big shoes to fill with that name, for such a small little kitty. But I'm sure he can handle it.

UPDATE: Not only do I have cute lil' Skylar now, I'm also adopting his sister Emi (shown in this photo as well). Two cuddly kittens that can now play together when I'm away at work. Perfect!

Wistful thinking

You know what I'll miss next year? Today's word-bomb:

Emolument: n. (formal or rhetorical) profit made from being employed; fee or salary.

That's why it's absolutely imperative that I wring every last bit of gratification and edification from the experience.

So here are some book ideas (for grown-ups) that could go along with furthering that goal:

• Austin's Eco-Culture: The Rise, the Reason and the Reproducibility (would require a lot of interviews of locals, which would be a great way to meet people)
  
• How to Survive for One Year without Spending Money or Mooching: Tapping Social Networks and Being Resourceful in General (semi-autobiography, semi-humor)
  
• Achievable Utopia: Blueprint to an Enlightened and Efficient City (this could go hand in hand with the graduate studies in city planning; this could also be combined in some way with the Austin's Eco-Culture subject)
• Traveling on a Shoestring: Budget-Smart Ways to See the Seven Continents (to be learned from real-life lessons; the challenge would be Antarctica, but if global warming continues apace... otherwise maybe should change "the Seven Continents" to "the World")
  

Hmmm maybe I'll get started on one of these right now...

Lucky #3

Here's another one:

Discursive: adj. wandering from one point to another

How apropos :)

Bonus Word-Bomb

I really like this one:

Jocose: adj. humorous; playful

Sidereal

I thought I'd start with the word-bomb today. No doubt this word will come in handy when marketing those psychic readings...

Sidereal: adj. of the stars or measured by them.

So after spending hours tossing and turning last night, I decided as I finally drifted off that I would press the "restart" button, try to stay at my company and be their NYC presence for the next year or more. I could move back to the bustling city, restart my Equinox membership (and Dance! with Tootsie!) and be closer to people I care about.

The turmoil prior to reaching this conclusion was in part a reaction to a conversation with my current jefes and hearing how flexible they were willing to be about my future role with the company, if I wanted for there to be a future role. It was also driven in large part by the depressing median salary figures for the fields I'm interested in (City & Urban Planning, and perhaps public administration and public policy more generally). The thought of spending 3 years virtually salary-free, and then graduating to make less than half of what I currently earn was somewhat less than reassuring.

Then I popped out of bed this morning, shook out the cobwebs, and incredulously asked myself, "Girl, are you CRAZY??"

I don't know at what point grad school and public-service-right-here-right-now got shifted up to #1 on my priority list, but it shouldn't be there. Somewhere along the line, I must have forgotten that full-time grad school and near-term public service comprise Plan B.

Contrast this with Plan A: To take a year off to be a life student and write a book or two. Meanwhile, perhaps work part-time, get to know the city, and hopefully find a meaningful, interesting and sustainable job without having to go back to school, or at most, going back to school part-time.

So although planning for contingency Plan B (e.g., taking the GRE, applying to grad school) will precede the execution of Plan A, sL's gotta stay focused on making Plan A happen.

Dilemma-rama

I am so indecisive - please just tell me what I should do!!! Austin or NYC or San Diego or international? Quit job or continue to work part-time? MBA or Master of Public Affairs or Master of Science in Community and Urban Planning or none of the above? I'm going crazy with indecisiveness!!!!!!!!

Please help :-( Suddenly hit a wall tonight in the liberation planning process.

p.s. I'm serious. suddenlyliberated@gmail.com gets forwarded directly to my real personal email. Would immensely appreciate your feedback. Danke schön!

p.p.s. Today's Word-bomb: Utopia, since this is clearly what I'm looking for!

p.p.p.s. Today's Real Word-bomb: Execrate: To declare to be evil or detestable:denounce

Anneal

Oops, almost forgot to drop today's word-bomb:

Anneal: v. make tough by cooling slowly after heating

Discovered through this addictive game: http://www.flashbynight.com/GRE/

(Yes, I'm still a dork.)

Good night!

Sudden Insight: Full-Time Extra-curriculars?

From the time I was in high school till I was about 25 y.o., I was absolutely passionate about my extra-curricular activities and "eh" about my classes / work.

For example, it is both one of my life's great shames and one of my life's best decisions that I failed out of my after-school advanced math geek-a-rama course in 10th grade due to 1) Subway sandwiches and 2) cheerleading practice and games. Sure, I had to retake calculus later on in my junior year, but I also was able to develop teamwork, creativity and high-kick skills that have been instrumental to other pursuits post-high school.

In college, I'd skip out on professors' office hours to keep a near-perfect attendance record for TKD practice. I would also scrimp on my Govy class readings in order to spend time conveying new Chinese dance choreography via text-only email to my fellow dancerinas. And I drove over to a local elementary school to read books to an ESL 1st-grader more regularly than I attended my Econ class group study sessions.

Later when living in the suburbs of Boston and chillin' with a 9-5er, I'd make the trek into Chinatown multiple times a week in order to learn, teach and perform Chinese dance at a bona fide Chinese dance academy.

During the days of pre-Corporate Slavery NYC, I would opt to return to the office multiple times a week to start work again at 10PM, after getting an invigorating dose of Tootsie's best stream-of-consciousness choreography. "Don't think!" she'd insist during class, and encourage us instead to trust our instincts and accumulated skills.

The reason why this "year of liberation" appeals to me so much is because it basically allows me to focus fully on these "extra-curriculars" that have been so sorely overlooked in the last four years. And tonight, I suddenly realized - why the heck can't I find a way to base my career on all these activities and means of expression that I love? Sure, there's a chance that once I "have" to do something, I'll start resenting it. But I'll never know unless I give it a whirl.

So that's all for tonight. Just wanted to share this sudden flash of insight and luxuriate in nostalgia for a bit. Life was so full back then, and I really miss that feeling. (And in case you're curious, no, WINKIE hasn't done a very good job at filling the void.)

Feliz Aniversario de un mes

Hoy es el aniversario de un mes de "suddenly Liberated" ("de repente Liberadas"). Gracias por leer. Espero que esto marca el primer aniversario de muchos en el futuro. Vamos a celebrar!


(For the Spanish buffs reading this, your feedback on how any of this might be better written would be greatly appreciated. Google WordMonkey is good, but not quite perfect yet.)

Word bombs

Now that WINKIE is done for the time being, I am also turning my attention to the GRE. This is the only pre-grad school standardized test I have left to take, methinks. LSAT knocked me on my *ss during senior fall of college, due in small part to my falling asleep during the test and due in large part to my having absolutely no interest in actually going to law school. Later on, I knocked GMAT on its *ss in Summer 2007, fueled in large part by desperation to find a path to freedom and away from Corporate Slavery. And there's no way in this lifetime I'll even contemplate taking the MCAT.

The reason why I bring this up is because, as you know, the most challenging aspect of the GRE is the verbal section. To facilitate our collective learning processes, I will be unloading random vocabulary-boosting word bombs in future posts. Some may even be monosyllabic. For instance:

cadge: v. to beg, or to get by begging

Who would have known? Not me, that's for sure.

Okay, lights out for real this time.

Mini-liberation

Took down WINKIE today. We'll find out in late July whether I just temporarily knocked it unconscious, or if it's down for the full count. No false modesty coming from this corner - that WINKIE gave me a run for my money, and at the end of it all, I walked out thinking that it was kind of a crapshoot.

But for now, it's a nice feeling of accomplishment, even though (or perhaps, especially because?) the ultimate future of my relationship with financial markets remains unclear. Imagine, in a couple of years, I could be one of the world's few WINKIE Winkerholders that is also a bohemian reggae singer / living in a tree / flyer distributor for free psychic readings / etc / misc / et al. Yes, I'm still committed to living life as an oxy-moron, although preferably with a stronger tilt toward "oxus" (Greek for "sharp") than "moros" (Greek for "foolish, dull").

I digress. After the mental calisthenics today, I celebrated by heading to a Padres game - and had the pleasure of cheering on the home team as they ended up smokin' the D-backs, after a somewhat inauspicious first inning.

Now I have the leisure of turning my full attention to Project Austin and writing those book reviews. Liberation from my "study suit" (ie, the extra organic layers put on from the >350 hours spent hunkered over those WINKIE textbooks) is also on the menu, starting with a killer Cardio Kickbox body transformation session tomorrow AM. I'm also boycotting salmon for a bit - have been consuming a serving every day as sacrificial offerings to my gray matter. Although my omega-3 levels are probably off the charts, it is likely that I may have OD'd on mercury as well. Good news is that this will probably cut down my Whole Foods bill by at least 50%.

As a brief aside / note to self, something I would like to develop during my 'year of liberation': develop a new sort of training that incorporates elements from all of the martial arts, dance, cheerleading, yoga and powerwalking/hiking that I enjoy (or used to enjoy) spending my time on. Something with a ranking system, so that it has some stickiness with goal-addicted individuals such as myself, as well as some credibility in terms of actual skill needed to utilize this training. And to do this while not getting sued when trying to teach this new style to other people. (Life's too short for lawsuits, particularly if yours truly is on the "plaintive" side.) Well, this getting-people-hooked concept is a tad at odds with Project Liberty. Will have to roll around the Play-doh a little more to see if one can sculpt a more palatable approach.

Whew, completely exhausted. The only reason I'm still up is because I'm too slow to realize I should have gone to bed hours ago.

sL out.

FNL + Blink = Paradigm Shift

Fine, I'll admit it. All this enthusiasm about Texas? Yeah, so it stems just a wee bit from my fascination with Friday Night Lights. That's right, the cheap Abercrombie eye candy trick worked, okay?

But apart from the handsome Taylor Kitsch proffered by the series, FNL also hit home with its portrayal of the political tensions and dynamics that go behind the scenes at the school and district levels regarding Coach Taylor's performance and his tenuous tenure at Dillon High. Unfortunately in life, especially in the corporate world, you have countless scheming, self-absorbed "Joe McCoys" running amok, making life hard for the "Eric Taylors" who are focused on doing right and being fair.

As I slog through the Corporate Governance section of WINKIE, my mind keeps getting sidetracked and pulled into dwelling on how corporate governance and transparency have gone down the proverbial loo in my current professional environment.

I had promised myself that this blog would only focus on the "pull" elements of liberation, rather than the "push" factors that are also an important driver for my decision to take a leap into the great unknown. And, for the most part, that is what I will do. However, I just can't help but feel keenly disappointed with the way things have turned out. While I tend to manage expectations (including those of my own) fairly conservatively, I did have high hopes for the "little start-up that could." It's not even the fact that I relocated across the country to take on this opportunity. What is truly disappointing is that, by starting with a clean slate, this little start-up really had potential. The leadership could have chosen to not get bogged down by the industry's inherent conflicts of interests and schmarmy-ness. And yet, that's exactly what they have ended up doing, while denying it along the entire way.

On the positive side, this has been a tremendous learning experience about credibility and why you should do all that you can to avoid getting dragged down into the swampy pits of "you scratch my back, and I'll scratch yours, even if you're an unethical SOB" philosophy. And it is exactly that sort of mentality which, when combined with the "old boys club" environment, is a recipe for frustration and glass ceilings in this industry.

So in sum, this quest for liberation is also in part a search for a home / career / lifestyle where merit matters. Although Malcolm Gladwell skeptics will scoff, reading his book Blink really resonated with me throughout all the recent corporate turmoil, especially when thinking about how much of the history of humankind has been so deeply steeped in nepotism and favoritism. I think it's about time for a paradigm shift - don't you?

Brain's a-stormin'

After spending this fine Friday evening on futile attempts to cram for WINKIE, I've decided to take a break and indulge in some wishful planning for "The Era of Liberation." Here are some potential to-do's that get me smiling:

• Volunteer! For endorphins and good karma. That is, paying penance for semi-selling out.
  
• Get back into dancing. In fact, start my own dance troupe.
  
• Learn Spanish. For real this time. Then turn to French. Then Mandarin. Then Arabic.
• Learn how to cook. On a super tight budget, that is.
  
• Learn how to invest in the public markets. Why? Because hopefully this is where smarts count more than schmooze, unlike the smarmy world of PE.
  
• Pen a children's book. With pictures and everything, a la Dr. Suess, hero from both my childhood and alma mater.
  
• Start my own fashion line. Focus on "one-of-a-kind" pieces. This strategy caters well to my intense dislike of repeating myself and rote activities in general.
• Pass WINKIE III. In fact, not just pass it, but decimate it.
  
• Pen a grown ups' book. Topic TBD.
• Get all outdoorsy. Maybe even become a park ranger.
  
• Learn how to create my own website. One that's suitable for all audiences, of course.
  

That's just a partial list. Wow, it's going to be a busy year. Looking forward to checking off the list while based out of grand Austin, once I've submitted my grad school application. The point is to do everything I've put off in the last few years while being overly ambitious in my career (look where that got me - jaded and nowhere healthy for the long haul, that's for sure).

Liberated in many ways, but not yet Twitter-free

For kicks, I have just started tweeting brief bursts of commentary and stream-of-consciousness revelations under this persona as "suddenLiberated". First tweet references my current reading list:

- The Moviegoer, by Walker Percy
- The Razor's Edge, by W. Somerset Maugham

Once I show WINKIE who's boss on June 6th, next up on the to-do list are book reviews on these two literary works. Both were recommended to me recently by someone dear, who has tracked (somewhat involuntarily) the existential crises of yours truly throughout the last few years.

I'm also planning a quick trip to Austin in late June to help figure out whether or not the city and I are meant to be. People keep warning me that it's going to be superhot there, but given my preference to be as liberated from clothing as possible, that doesn't seem like an insurmountable hurdle.

Also, does anyone know what the difference is between a Master of Public Administration and a Master of Public Affairs? I'm intrigued by UT Austin's MPAff program. If the green civil engineering endeavor involves too deep/long of a J-curve, I may well retrench and go the way of a MPA or MPAff, with a splash of environmental goodness.

Shopping in the Metaphorical Supermarket

The world, or one's life, could be thought of, metaphorically, as a supermarket. Or maybe even a hypermarket (I think those are the ones with the huge Wal-Mart / Target etc attached??). The point is, it's got all the raw ingredients and prepared products imaginable for you to select and combine and ultimately (hopefully) create some sort of culinary delight.

However, the mere existence of the hypothetical supermarket is not enough to guarantee a delectable culinary outcome. There are many ways in which one could misjudge or be tempted and led astray. For example:

1) You could go for the prepackaged stuff. The quick and easy. Think frozen tatertots. Jello. Ramen (especially the super-spicy kind - YUM). Carnation breakfast shake powder packs. These items are typically calorie-dense but nutrient-empty.

2) You could get overly idealistic, i.e., "From now on, I'm going to...[be a vegetarian / only eat raw foods / renounce sugar]." Soon after leaving the store (and well before these purchased items are prepared for consumption), the resolve to be [a vegetarian / a RAW foodie / non-diabetic] begins to wilt. Result: costly food bill + unused/spoiled purchases + stuck habit (of my being too lazy to cook) = utter demoralization + gobbling down a pint of Ben & Jerry's in one sitting.

3) You could go for the prepackaged stuff, under the guise of going for the idealistic stuff. For example, frozen Kashi pizzas, frozen ORGANIC macaroni dinners, private-label canned organic chicken chili, frozen shroom-burger patties, Grape Nuts cereal (or the aptly-named private-label Von's version: Nutty Nuggets). You probably still end up spending a small(er) fortune, but you get stuff that 1) you'll actually be able to prepare yourself, 2) is less likely to spoil before you get around to preparing it, and 3) is decently nutritious for you.

I would say I'm at #3 right now, with hopes of effectively shifting to #2 once I have more time to devote to cooking, etc.

There are some obvious parallels between the metaphorical supermarket, life choices, and long-term results/contentment. That's me, stating the obvious as usual. However, it has particular resonance right now, because, I admit it:

I'm wavering.

That is, I'm wavering between the career-versions of options #1-3 above.

1) Prepackaged stuff: continuing with current occupation & getting an MBA. job security. predictable career trajectory. downside-protected. embracing the decision to permanently sell-out.

2) Idealistic stuff: full liberation from "The Man", see the world, relinquish my attachment to material possessions (and reliable income), practice more stringent fiscal austerity than ever previously imagined.

3) Compromising combination: several permutations are possible - still evaluating which ones are most probable and most desired.

As I continue to plow through studying for WINKIE (Was Important, Now Kinda Irrelevant Exam), these are the thoughts and questions that continue to float around in my psyche. Will keep y'all up to date on the progress of this decision-making process.

sL Potential Objective #1: Green Civil Engineering

I associate the word "Civil" with positive connotations of structure, teamwork and respect. The word "Engineering" conjures up impressions of design, functionality and progress. And of course, "Green = Great" to this hybrid driver + organics enthusiast.

That's why I am so excited about the next rung in my metaphorical career ladder. "Green Civil Engineering." How great does that sound? It sounds fabulous to me, with the tiny little detail (potential impediment) being that I have absolutely no engineering experience, haven't even seen a physics-related equation for over 10 years, and can't draw worth a damn.

The right strategy for making this lateral career shift has yet to make itself known. Initial thought: Move to Austin and get an internship / part-time gig at one of the several engineering/architectural firms there, then determine whether extra gray matter growth (i.e., further education) is required. If so, then wow, how convenient - I'll happen to be living in close proximity to UT Austin, which boasts the #4 Civil Engineering program in the U.S., and hopefully be a TX resident by then to boot (in-state tuition, baby).

Wait a second - I somehow just completely lost track of the fact that I'm supposed to be contemplating my year off, not charging into the next career. (I am a Taurus, so admittedly am somewhat prone to charging. And nostril flaring.)

"Addicted to ambition, to my detriment," as my FB profile sagely quotes. Addicted indeed. Where can a gal find a little rehab?

But green civil engineering still sounds like such a great way to spend at least part of my future professional life. We'll revisit this in time. Let's just think of it as a bit of structural downside-protection. Hahahahaha, I am such a dork. Now you know.

Bible Belt Blues - Vanquished!

Granted, I've been learning about all these great things about weird Austin. However, one potential concern that has occurred to me is: Given that the city is smack dab in the middle of the Bible Belt, where on the religious fervor spectrum does the great city of Austin lie? This is a major concern because I'm vehemently allergic to evangelism and other forms of religious radicalism (in part because they're nutso, and in part because the level of that nutso-ism tends to be highly correlated with the accepted level of sexism). Needless to say, a high potential for getting religion shoved down my throat or stabbed through my back in my new-home-base-to-be would be a major dealkiller.

Here's some quick research from trusty Wiki regarding Austin's religious environment:

"Evangelical Protestant Christian influence had a strong impact in social/cultural and political implications in Texas throughout its history, but not all Texans share this view of Christian religious doctrine. Austin, the state capital is perceived as a more secular and liberal community."

And here are some statistics regarding the presence of other religious groups in Texas overall:

According to Churches and Church Membership in the United States 2000, Texas ranks:

• First in number of Evangelical Protestants, with 5,083,087.

• Second, behind Pennsylvania, in number of Mainline Protestants at 1,705,394.

• Third in number of Catholics, behind California and New York.

• Third in number of Buddhist congregations.

• Fifth in number of Muslims.

• Fifth in number of Hindu congregations.

• Sixth in number of Mormons.

• Tenth in number of Jews.

It's not really a surprise to find out that Texas is home to the greatest number of Evangelical Protestants, but it is somewhat of a shock to discover how much more religiously diverse the state actually is, versus my initial expectations.

Conclusion? Looks like Austin is not just politically liberal, but spiritually liberal as well. As long as I don't accidentally wander into the Fort Worth region of Texas, I should be fine. That's a check-plus in the "Not religiously cuckoo" requirement box.

Torn: Texas Tax Dilemma

Texas happens to be one of 7 states in the U.S. that imposes absolutely no state tax on personal income. (The other states are Alaska, Florida, Nevada, South Dakota, Washington, Wyoming.) I wasn't aware of this fact before, but now that I have been enlightened, it makes perfect sense.


From a financial perspective, freedom from state taxes is awesome, even though I don't expect to be working in the near term. Compared with California's 9.3% state income tax for my (soon-to-be former) personal income bracket, that's a significant boost to disposable income once I do start working again (adjusting for lower income & lower cost of living in TX vs CA). If I find myself cash-strapped sooner than later and end up doing some consulting / writing / minimum-wage jobs during my "year off", I would embrace with widespread arms those extra few hundred bps on my paycheck.

From a social liberal perspective, my feelings are mixed. Initially, my gut reaction was guilt. As a progressive-minded individual who benefited greatly from Minnesota's stellar social/education benefits while growing up (let's set aside the collapsed bridge incident for now), it feels just plain wrong to keep all that extra cash for myself. But then I started thinking more about how disillusioned I've become regarding government's ability to write and execute meaningful policy. Plus, Texas gets more than enough income from all those big oil corporations.

Therefore, my conclusion so far is - (if I were to move to TX) Thank you Texas, I will gladly take that extra dough that would have gone towards paying state income tax. Then, I'll make the final determination regarding which causes most deserve my social dollars - and it's unlikely that all of these causes will be Texas-based. For a gal who has long prided herself on "voting with her feet," it does feel liberating to have discretion over where my tax dollars go. Well, state taxes anyway. Federal taxes are a whole other (depressing) story.

Everything's Bigger in Texas

Everything in Texas seems bigger, including potential, and opportunities to try something new. I am thinking really hard about a relocation from sunny San Diego to weird Austin (the one in Texas, not Minnesota).

On the one hand, moving to Texas may seem counter-intuitive for a liberal-minded individual like yours truly. On the other hand, Austin is viewed as an oasis of progressiveness in the Lone Star State. For someone who has a taste for the eclectic and cultural, and would like eventual access to further education at the prestigious UT Austin, yet doesn't wish to burn cash on high costs of living, moving to Austin begins to sound like a no-brainer.

Well, stay tuned...

Countdown: Day -238

Just 238 days until my day of liberation (i.e., 01/01/2010).

Liberation from what? Good question.

Well, to start, here's some context. In yours truly's 28 years of existence to date, the main eras are as follows:

• Sheltered Innocent (Years 0-18): Cushy life growing up in a wholesome Midwest family
• Sailing through Studies (Years 18-22): Cushy life coasting through private college education on my Daddy's dime
  
• Under-Managed Entry-level Peon (Years 22-24): Cushy (though underpaid) life in a New England suburb, running my own small kingdom as a pretend journalist. This is also when I got my body art - spurred by equal portions of boredom and rebellion
  
• Semi-Liberated (Years 24-25): Financially stark but stimulating life as an aspiring real journalist, covering the world's emerging markets from the bullpen in NYC
  
• Over-Managed Corporate Peon (Years 25-26): Selling out to "The Dark Side," i.e., beginning a life of corporate slavery in exchange for aggressively inflated financial compensation (who said your soul is priceless?).
  
• California Cool (Years 26-28): Pretending to be all laid back and liberated, but in reality, just a less dark, lesser-paid version of the OMCP.
  

So in part, I've got a bad case of wanderlust after staying in the same place for almost two whole years. But more importantly, this so-called liberation is a movement away from this mostly cushy way of life, which in hindsight isn't really a life at all, and shift from existing to living.

And I'm taking the skydiving sans parachute approach (rather than the skydiving with parachute approach, or the bungee jumping approach). Not lining anything up after formally extricating myself from the current situation (to be discussed at length later).

Yeah yeah, sounds like the beginning of a quack lecture on "finding your spiritual side," or perhaps a rationalization of surrender to my narcissistic side. Well, I hope that's not what this turns into, because that is entirely not my intention. However, I can't guarantee that after a few months (years?) of food rationing and financial desperation, that I won't start sounding kinda wonky.

p.s. I thought about starting this on -237, but considering I've never had the guts to watch The Shining the whole way through, that would just be a bad way to start off this whole thing.